Work-life balance

I have experienced 20 years of military service and 12 years of parenthood.  I have deployed on numerous operations overseas and experienced long periods of separation from my family.  I love being a soldier and I have enjoyed every minute of it so far.  I also love being a parent, but it took me a while to realise that I needed to invest more in this side of my life.  I am sure my story isn’t unique to just those employed in the military.  I expect that what I have gone through will resonate with any hard-working parent trying to make ends meet and trying to succeed at work whilst balancing the demands of family life.  No one sets out to be mediocre and I had fully intended to be an awesome soldier and an outstanding Dad.  It just didn’t work out that way.  The demands of multiple tours meant that I allowed the burden of parenting responsibility to fall to my wife and I took a step back.  That wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the fact that my wife is serving in the Army too.

Having two families  

I would describe being in the Army as a way of life rather than a job.  You are never off-duty, you are always on call and once you are part of the family, you are a member for life as a soldier and then a veteran.  The teamwork and camaraderie are incredible, and the bonds of friendship forged through the shared hardship and adversity usually endure forever.  The Army is like a family to me and it might sound strange, but I love my fellow soldiers.  I don’t feel that my actual family is in direct competition, but rather it exists on a different level.  Moving from one to the other is not always easy.  In the Army, we usually have total control of our subordinates and it is difficult sometimes to move from a situation of perfect order to perfect chaos.  I once had a ‘Hurtlocker’ moment when I was back from deployment on a 2-week Rest and Recuperation (R&R) break and I was sent to the supermarket to buy nappies; days before I had been commanding soldiers in combat and here I was standing in a supermarket having no idea which of the 1000 different types of nappies I needed. I felt completely overwhelmed and inadequate.  How can there possibly be so many types of nappy?  On another occasion, I had volunteered to be the DJ at the girls’ primary school disco; I soon lost control and was being overrun by sweaty children, fuelled by Haribo and smelling of wotsits.  I didn’t know what to do and I froze.  Fortunately for me at this point, a bemused teacher appeared and performed a magic hand clap signal which rooted the children to the spot and ended the insurrection immediately.

Missing birthdays

It’s difficult to claim to be any kind of parent if you are never there.  I used to think that it was ok to try and make up for it by being super awesome during the time I was around, and that’s a good start, but it’s not enough.  I did 3 tours during the first 6 years of my youngest daughter’s life and found myself in a self-congratulatory mood upon making it to her 6^th birthday.  My wife quickly put me in my place remarking that I been away for 3 years and had missed exactly half of her life.  I could blame the operational tempo and the busy period of conflict that this country went through during that period, but that would be a lie.  I wanted to go and I actively sought out the opportunities to deploy.  The Army is actually a fairly understanding employer and provides flexible working, shared parental leave and a whole raft of other options that can make being a parent easier.  Like many professionals, I had just become immersed in the importance of my job at the expense of my family.  I liked the fact that I had made myself indispensable at work and I just wanted to do well. Thus, we spent a great deal of time as a family separated while I travelled the worlds troubled hot spots.

Managing separation

Being apart is an incredible challenge but staying in touch is becoming easier.  On my earliest deployments, there was no internet and, in those days’, people still communicated by handwriting letters.  My youngest daughter was born two weeks prior to deployment and I had been away for about 3 months when the first photograph arrived in the mail.  It was a picture of her with some friends at a playgroup.  I wrote back asking which one of the cute babies belonged to me, which apparently wasn’t the right response.  Things have changed, but the internet and the availability of instant communication brings a new challenge.  The ordeal of being apart was made easier for me when I could focus on the job at hand.  I could switch off my home life and fully immerse in work mode, which makes me sound void of emotion, but also allowed me to operate without distraction.  It takes me a few days to get myself into this zone though, and I am not sure I could get there if I was doing internet Facetime every day.  I also found that the hardest part wasn’t going away or being apart, but rather was coming home.  After so long apart we had all reverted to doing things in a certain way.  For the first few months after getting home, it seemed like we kept doing things wrong, although, in fact, we had just got used to doing things differently.

Relying on a tribe

One of the things that reassured me while I was away was the fact that I knew my family were being looked after back home.  The families network was simply superb and the strong and long-lasting friendships that were formed are a testament to what can be achieved when a tribe comes together to look after each other.  I was very impressed when my wife started a wine club, which I imagined to be a very cultured affair, where different vintages were sampled whilst the children did arts and crafts quietly in the background.  This proved to be an optimistic illusion that was shattered when I once managed to interrupt after getting through on the sat-phone.  The reality was a little more feral and seemed to focus on quantity rather than quality.  The military tribe is great and even has its own language.  Although I worry about my kids having both parents in the Army.  They already talk in our language and often confuse outsiders by referring to the weather as ‘honking’ (not nice), or by saying they are off for a ‘dobi’ in the ‘water locker’ (have a shower).   Tribes exist everywhere and are not exclusive to the military.  It is so true that friends make the good times better and the hard times easier.

Unicorns and Princesses

There isn’t a great deal I can do to change the kind of parent I have become, but I am trying.  I started my squaredawaydad blog at the end of last year to help me focus on being a better Dad and I know I have a long way to go.  It is helping me focus my efforts to maximise the time I spend with my kids.  Whilst my family all like to get outside and adventure, my hobbies also include princesses and unicorns and I am OK with that.  On one hand, I am learning to slow down and live in the moment.  On the other I am applying military precision, time appreciation and organisation to be more efficient.  At work, I have lists for everything and every second of the day is carefully mapped out; so why don’t I apply that same level of rigour to ensuring that every moment of family time is optimised?  Whilst I don’t want my home to be like boot camp, I also don’t want to waste a weekend because we haven’t worked out what everyone wants to do.  At work every member of the team is involved in the plan, so why don’t I have that level of inclusivity with my children?  The other great benefit to embarking on this blogging journey is that it has opened my eyes to a world outside my own that I otherwise would never have been exposed to.  Being able to connect with some of the awesome stay at home dads, parents, outdoor bloggers and other members of the internet has enabled me to interact and think in a completely different way.  It is tribal in its own way and sometimes cliquey, but there are genuinely some great people out there and I have learnt loads.  I am excited about interacting with the new people I am meeting and broadening my horizons even further.  I also hope that this widening of my perspective makes me a better leader to my soldiers.  I suppose I subscribe to the Mel Gibson (We Were Soldiers) approach to being a soldier and a parent, in that I hope that being good at one makes me better at the other.

Tim is part of the This Dad Can community. He has been in the Army for 20 years and is a Dad to 2 girls.  He loves travel and adventure but is also learning about princesses and unicorns.  He writes a blog to try and help him focus on being a better parent.

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