I’ve never been too concerned about my physical health.

I cycle to work, clocking up about 40 miles per week, and apart from my vasectomy have never had more than a day off work in any one of the last 25 years of gainful employment. I’m probably a bit overweight but not in a way that bothers me or my wife.

Until 2012 I had a similar indifference to my mental health.  Happily married, two birth kids, a succession of foster kids, healthy finances, plenty of friends and Chelsea FC were winning league titles.  What more could anyone want?

But then I began to stutter. Looking back, a series of events all occurred one after the other.

There was a shake up at work and I got a new line manager, who preferred Emails to talking. My best friend at work was ill and I had nowhere to download at lunch time. I was sent some data which said my department was performing ‘below the national expectation’.  The football season had ended but the weather was too bad for cricket to have really begun.  It was too wet to garden. We had transitioned a foster child to adoption. Whilst this was a beautiful achievement, I had never given myself time to grieve.

When I finished work on a Friday, I was unable to switch off.  We went away for our wedding anniversary and I was unable to relax and enjoy myself.  My appetite and libido had vanished. I kept waking up in the middle of the night needing a wee (not unusual for a 42 year old male). Rather than going back to sleep, my brain decided to wrestle with work problems over which I had no control.

He suspected I had ‘environmental anxiety’. He was right. I’m a middle aged, middle class man. I needed a plan.

With my wife I began to write a list of what I enjoyed, and what stressed me out.  We made a list that looked a bit like this:-

• Since June 30^th 2012, I have never looked at a work email at home.
• I always take a lunch break and chat rubbish with colleagues.
• I’ve taken over some scrub land and begun a guerrilla gardening project.
• I decided that I’m good enough at my job. It turned out that my department was achieving above ‘national expectations’ and the data was wrong.  I only found out by mistake.  Some things are out of my control.  I try to recognise them and try to ignore them.
• We bought a swing seat and I sat outside watching the garden grow.
• I watched The Sopranos, The Wire and subscribed to Sky Sports Multiroom. I also have Sky Go so can watch cricket wherever I am.
• If I find myself awake at night, I have a series of scenarios to focus on which help me nod off. I imagine I have to survive on a desert island or am escaping from Colditz.
• My wife bought me a coffee machine and I enjoy the ritual brewing every morning.
• I looked at photos of our departed foster child and did some proper crying.
• I began to revisit old hobbies and rediscovered my love of everything to do with the Napoleonic wars.
• We decided I should consider changing my job.  I could have stayed but needed to think about what I wanted to do with the next 10 or 20 years. I now work part time as a teacher and recruit Foster Carers the rest of the week.
• I began to do more volunteering for a couple of charities
• I decided not to go for a promotion.

Seven years later, I’m on an even keel.  My home-made strategies keep me mentally healthy.

Crap still hits our fan, but I have learnt it’s not personal, it’s not permanent and it’s not pervasive (I got that from a book).

I metaphorically grab the anxious thoughts floating around my head, stare at them and tell them that they are only little.

Over the last few years, I’ve found myself chatting more and more with men of my demographic.

If life is sometimes getting too much for you, talk, make a plan, get some help.

Maintaining mental health in middle aged males first featured on Ellie Johnson's Learning How To Live Podcast

Phil is part of the This Dad Can community. He grew up in Sutton, a commuter town on the edge of South London.  Sutton had Europe’s first drive thru Burger King.  Armed with modest A level grades and a dubious sense of geography, he ended up studying German and French at Liverpool University in 1989.

He did a Masters in the Administration of the European Union, and became an export sales manager dealing in graphic arts filing.  On discovering that this was even more boring that it sounds he became a youth worker and secondary school teacher in Liverpool.  His passion for social justice led him and his family into fostering in 2010.  Since 2015, he has worked as a recruiter of foster carers for liverpool City Council.  He is married to Helenor, a solicitor for Liverpool Council, and invariably has a house full of kids.  He knows a lot about the Napoleonic Wars and is a founder member of the ‘Scouse Seagulls’ Liverpool’s premier Brighton and Hove Albion fan club.

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