‘When my children get smartphones, I will make sure they don’t have any social media apps’… when a good friend of mine said this to me recently, I challenged him with the reality and practicality of that statement.  Is it possible in this day and age to deny our children social media… and if not, then what can we do to minimise any negative impact social media might be having on them?

In this brief article, I want to answer these two questions while offering some practical steps to how we can minimise any negative impact of social media in this new and at times, confusing world, that we as Dads seem to have found ourselves in.

Times are changing… fast. Growing up, I’d be out all day, on my bike, playing football, playing on the computer with my mates (what I call a computer our kids would mock at!), with no mobile phone to let my parents know I was ok, and only a landline phone available to me, to contact a friend to see if they were free.

1. Instant everything

Every time my children and I would sit for dinner, or a board game, or a film, something which might mean they weren’t going to be on their phone for a little bit, they would put NR on their Snapchat or Instagram stories.  When I asked about this, it turns out it means No Replies and is their way of explaining why they might not respond immediately to a message or post!  I was amazed that this was deemed necessary – to us old school people if someone doesn’t reply, it’s because they are busy!  Seems that is not ok anymore and that puts a whole load of pressure on all the children. What can we do to help with this?  It’s a hard one. Other than to lead by example and demonstrate to our children that instant replies to everything don’t have to happen.  If we avoid having our phones during these times, and we encourage them to do the same, then we can hope that they realise its actually ok to keep people waiting for a response!

2. Validation

I think this affects the girls more than the boys… although boys are not immune to it and let’s face it, nor are us adults.  Every post that goes on a social media platform is subject to likes, loves, shares, comments etc.  What is concerning is the importance of how many likes a post gets and how quickly it gets them.  Girls are taking selfies upon selfies, with filters, makeup and lighting effects to look as ‘good’ as they can and then the timer starts... it’s been 5 minutes and only 20 likes, what is wrong with my face?  It saddens me that this is where they are getting their validation from.  Imagine how fragile their self-esteem must be after days, weeks and months of this.   As Dads, we need to figure out how to give them that validation from within themselves and not have them seek it from the outside world.  We can do this by constantly looking for things they do and say that we can build them up over, and continually encourage them to do things that will build their own self-worth.  One thing I have learnt is that going on at them about the selfies etc will get us nowhere!

3. Communication

With these platforms offering the chance to communicate easily and quickly, it is ironic that genuine communication skills are actually getting worse.  While they think they are being social and learning communication, it is not real-world communication.  They don’t discuss real things, and more importantly, it is all done over a screen.  They can be bold and whoever they choose to be with their fingers tapping out on a keypad but pick up the phone and order a pizza or something similar, that’s a whole new world of the unknown for them!  Having worked in the corporate environment all my life, I can see the importance of good communication skills and I know we need to find new ways to teach these skills to our children.  How do we do this?  Encourage them, spend time being intentional on this subject.  Look for ways to get them out of their comfort zone and communicating with people they may not normally communicate with, and build them up every time they do, while coaching them on how to get better each time.

4. Chinese whispers

I used to love Chinese whispers when I was young, always amused at how different the message ended from the original one!  Now, I see social media causes such things to happen and it does so, in an instant, on such a big scale.  What can be misunderstood will be misunderstood and it is not uncommon to find people who want to gossip, to turn one person against another, in the hope it strengthens their own friendship.  I have advised my children to never say anything on social media that could be taken the wrong way or taken to be bad mouthing someone else.

5. Fake friendships

It’s all about followers – the more you have the more popular you are.  But are you?  How many of these people do they actually know, talk to.  Would any of them be there for them in a crisis?  Could you go to any of them with a problem and know it would stay confidential?  It is very easy to confuse popularity for friendship and we need to help our children navigate what a true friend actually looks like and how to grow those friendships in life.  We can do this by leading and showing them our own friendships, and by encouraging them at all times to develop genuine friendships and not just virtual ones.

So back to my friend, ‘let’s just ensure our children never have access to these apps’… the ideal state, given the above problems surely?  The problem is, this is how children of this generation are communicating, are sharing what is going on and are building ‘friendships’.

My children don’t have the phone number of their friends, just their various social media identities.  If ever they need to find something out about homework etc, they can’t call them or even text them!  My daughter went on a social media ban for 6 weeks and one of the most noticeable things for her was feeling out of the loop on everything that was going on.

So, to ban our children from social media is to cut off their supply line to the current way teenagers do life – is that any healthier for them, than allowing them access and exposing them to the problems, I have identified.  It feels as if the better solution is for us to give them the life skills and awareness, that would enable them to have social media, but not be so negatively impacted by it. Setting them up for a future in a new and ever-changing world, rather than hide them from it.

Nick is part of the This Dad Can community.

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